Letters I have written and not sent…
To my rapist,
I wrote to you once before do you remember? It was over 20 years ago. I was threatening to report you if you ever touched my sisters or anyone else again, that threat still stands. If you are ever reported for sexual abuse or assault , I will add my voice too. I am writing this now because I have more things to say that perhaps I didn’t say then.
When I was 16 you raped me. It wasn’t seduction or sex it was rape. I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t want it and I didn’t consent to it. Your actions have affected my whole life, I lost all hope that day. It was the thing from which nightmares are made. I was even younger when your children abused me, they did things which weren’t natural for children of any age, things which couldn’t have been come from innocent minds. I wonder if you knew what they did, whether you asked them to or whether they were just copying what you did to them. It was sick and twisted and wrong.
If my memory serves me correctly you did things to me too as a child, in the darkness, at night, when you thought I was asleep. My parents trusted you to look after me, they allowed me to stay at your house because they thought you were their friend. All of this makes you a paedophile a sick, perverted paedophile. I wonder if you even remember? God what a screwed up family you must have been.
When you and your family did those things to me, you betrayed my family. You have betrayed their friendship, their trust and their hospitality. Everything about your friendship with them is based on a lie. What you did to me is wrong on so many levels, you hurt me, you abused me, you groomed me, you raped me. What your children did to me wasn’t much different, except perhaps that they were children. If only my parents knew they would think of you very differently.
I wonder whether you even saw what you did at Beresford Street as rape? I hope that somewhere deep down you feel disgusted at you own behaviour. That night when you took an innocent girl and raped her. You planned it, you disregarded her needs, her feelings and her dignity. You threatened her with a knife. You pinned her down, and you took everything you wanted with no regard for her, not an ounce of respect or compassion did you show her. Not only did you do all of that but you then proceeded to threaten her family in order to ensure she kept silent.
I’m not even sure whether your actions were thought through, whether you’re just thick or whether you were so confident you didn’t think. That girl could have got pregnant, she could have shown someone the bruises and the bite marks, she might even have kept the clothes she was wearing containing your DNA.
I hate you, I hate what you did and I will hold it against you forever. There will be no forgiveness from me, ever. My biggest regret is that I didn’t have the courage then to seek justice for what you did to me. You deserve to be in prison, shamed and persecuted maybe even raped yourself. You deserve to be ostracised by those you love and punished. I didn’t have the courage then, but I am not that girl anymore and if I choose to I could still report it and they would investigate. I could also report your children for their part in my abuse when I was younger, I could ruin their lives, just like your family ruined mine. I have the power now, not you. We could all have our day in court, I wonder who would win?
I don’t ever want to see you in my family home again, I hope that you die a painful and lonely death. I hope that day comes soon and that you burn in hell for eternity. I hope this letter makes you think, I don’t really care whether or not you feel sorry, sorry changes nothing. The only feeling I hope you have is fear, I hope that you realise just what I could do and the power that I have over you. I hope every time you see my parents, you feel real fear, because one of these days I might just tell them.